A Layman's Theory
by Angst Splatter
Summary: Raph was pregnant! He was going to be a father! Unicorns, sparkles, and rainbows, he was so happy! Wait. No, that doesn't sound like Raph at all.


A girl can only take so much rape apologia and pro-life propaganda before she has to fight back.

Yes, this is a little crack and a little parody. No, I didn't edit or proofread it much. Concrit welcome.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Just fun to play with.

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"Uh, what?" Raph asked the clearly delusional female in front of him.

"We're soul mates, Raphael," she sighed patiently, tone gentle. "And it is time for us to conceive our heirs together and seal the fates of destiny."

"Yer a wackjob, lady," Raph said dismissively. He turned his back and started to jump up the fire escape of the building next to him. Raph made it five inches off the ground before the woman darted out from her portion of the shadows, grabbed his waist, and yanked him down, throwing him to the ground.

"You cannot escape your fate, Raphael," she said with an amused lilt in her voice.

Raphael gaped at the woman standing above him. Then his ninja reflexes finally kicked in and he aimed a kick at her midsection. Faster than his eyes could follow, she dodged his feet and stepped back. Raph flipped up, hands rising in a defensive pose.

"Don't fight this, Raphael," she said demurely. Her voice made Raph feel as if he were gargling bits of glass.

"Oh, I'm fightin' this alright," Raph snapped back. "What are you, anyway?" he couldn't help but ask in morbid curiosity.

The female-thing chuckled, though didn't move. "I told you. I'm your soul mate."

Raph growled in annoyance. "Not what I meant," he groused. Then he charged her, bellowing in rage, and sliding his sai out of their home on his belt. She moved just as quickly as before. Raph had a second to realize she was now behind him before she grabbed his arm and twisted it behind him, pushing him down. For such a dainty little thing she was surprisingly strong. Raph hit the ground, the shock and pain traveling up his knees all the way to his teeth, making them chatter.

The woman silently forced him to the ground. She gave his arm a vicious yank and his sai clattered uselessly from his grip. Raph swung his other arm back, sai pointed towards the woman's ribs. She caught his arm and twisted it in the same fashion. Raph shouted and bucked his body as he lost grip of his second sai, kicking his legs up to beat the woman's back with his feet.

The woman just giggled. "Kinky," she gushed. Panic settled over Raph.

"Get off, lady!" But this wasn't sparring practice and she wasn't one of his brothers. There was no tapping out of this (not that Raph ever really tapped out in practice, preferring to wait for his brother to show a weakness or just give up, much to Splinter's displeasure).

The woman did not comply. Her skin was silky smooth against Raph's own leathery skin. She lowered herself, escaping the reach of his feet, to whisper in his ear. "One day, you'll look back on this to reminisce how we met, and you'll love this story as much as I will." Long nails stroked his face. A tongue too long to have fit in her mouth snaked out and danced across his face. Hot tears of rage escaped from Raph as he grumbled, growled, and bucked.

The woman spoke no more. Instead, growls as feral as Raph's escaped her as she yipped and chattered. If Raph hadn't been thinking of various ways in which to kill the woman, he would have found it odd and very unlike a human. Then suddenly a strange warmth filled Raph in a bad, bad place. Pain erupted inside of him and his enraged, anguished scream filled the night. His pulse thundered in his ears and he didn't even hear the man a few buildings away shout out of his home for whoever was making all that racket to shut up already. Agony filled Raph and he slipped into blissful unconsciousness.

When Raph came to, he was alone in the alley, still sore and hurting. He screamed in rage and shot up to his feet, collecting his sai, which were only a few feet away. He was alone. Still screaming, Raph went on a rampage, stabbing the dumpster, kicking the wall, and finally flipping up to the roof to survey the city and find some Purple Dragon heads to bash.

When dawn arrived, Raph, bloody and exhausted, stormed down the sewers and made his way to Leatherhead's place, where Don, April, and the croc himself were all together and conveniently working on some scientific thing that he had blanked out on when forced to listen them excitedly babble on about it in their obscenely scientific vocabulary. Mike had taken it upon himself to explain it to him later, for whatever reason, but his explanation had involved oatmeal and gerbils, and for some reason, Raph just didn't think that was at all correct.

"Yo!" Raph burst into LH's modest abode. "I need an abortion," he demanded in his gruff voice.

"What?" Don asked, dropping the screwdriver in his hand and staring at Raph. "You need a what now?" LH stared curiously at Raph.

"An abortion. Some freak up on the surface raped me and I can feel the squirmy little parasite inside of me. Actually, I feel multiple squirmy parasites. Must be twins. Maybe quadruplets. I need an abortion."

Don looked thoughtful. "I don't know, Raph. This may be the only chance we have to expand ourselves as a species and continue our line. An abortion may not be the best option here. Besides, parenthood may do your temper wonders." LH was nodding with an equally thoughtful expression.

Raph's jaw dropped open. He gaped like a fish for a few moments, trying to find the right words to express his righteous and indignant outrage as Don and LH stared expectantly at him. April beat him to the metaphorical punch.

"You…you… You insensitive jerk!" April declared. Her fiery red hair wrapped around her head, giving the impression of being so angry she was actually on fire. "He's just been _raped_ and you can only think 'oh, hey, reproduction!'? What is wrong with you?" her voice reverberated off the walls of LH's home. Don started to answer, only to have April shove him. Well, she tried to shove him. As turtles with shells and muscle from years of ninjitsu training under a grand master, they were pretty heavy and steady on their feet. Don barely moved, but he did shut up. "No!" she screamed. "Don't you even! I don't want to hear your stupid, little opinions. It's not your choice. You don't even get to have a say. You'll support your brother and do as he asks," she snapped. Fire alight in her eyes, she turned towards Leatherhead. "And you," she ordered, "go grab that ultrasound machine you found lying around when you were wandering the sewers last week. We're doing this." Leatherhead obediently complied without a word.

"But April-" Don meekly started, the hurt of being told off by April clear on his face.

"What?" April snarled.

"I'm not sure we have the equipment for that," Don forced out barely above a whisper.

April gave him a withering glare and vaguely motioned around LH's home. "We have the tools." Don nodded weakly and didn't speak up again.

Raph felt like clapping, giving April a look of relief. April nodded at him with understanding. Raph felt his mask of anger slip back into place as LH wheeled the ultrasound machine out and April dramatically swept everything off of their workstation to make room for Raph. April had her wits about her. As long as she was around, Raph was sure his friends and brother could pull this off.

Zygote-free, just like he liked it, Raph practically skipped back to the lair. Except he was Raph, so he never skipped. And he'd just been raped a few hours ago, so why in the world would he be that marginally happy? Skip-free with a grimace affixed to his face, Raph sullenly entered the lair. A familiar voice sounded to Raph's ears and anger bubbled up inside him and exploded out. "You!" he accused, stomping towards the couch, where the host of the voice sat. "You!" he growled out. If only looks could kill.

Raph's rapist looked over at Raph, hurt and shock plainly plastered on her face. "Raphael!" Splinter chided. "This wonderful woman was just telling me-"

"Wonderful! Wonderful?" Raph ground out, stretching to his fullest height, not even sparing Splinter a glance. "She's a rapist," he hissed, since he is a turtle and he can actually do that.

Splinter's ears immediately flattened, as he glanced at their guest with horror.

"A rapist, Raph?" Leo sounded almost bored. "You've only been here for five seconds; how could you possibly know that," he stated smugly. Leo didn't bother with questions unless they were redundant or phrased to make others sound stupid.

Raph didn't spare a look for Leo, either, though he did feel like sparing him a fist. "Because she raped me!"

"Nooooo! Raphy, say it ain't so!" Mikey cried out in shock and horror.

"I would never-" the witch began.

"Liar!" Raph screamed hysterically. "I just got back from having an abortion because of what you did!"

"An abortion?" Leo sounded confused. "Raph, I think you're mistaken. Only women can get pregnant. Well, seahorses, too, I guess. But we're neither of those." Leo waved a dismissive hand.

Raph's rapists' eyes went wide. "You monster!" she shouted back, grief lining her face. "You killed our children!" she wailed, slumping to the ground.

"Noooo!" Mikey shrieked again, now that the rapist had confirmed the rape.

Splinter sat on the couch, looking at the puddle-y woman with disgust and confusion, torn between killing her for his son and honorably helping her up.

Raph didn't have such qualms about what to do. He deftly pulled out a sai and growled, low and throaty. "I did and I'm glad," he whispered fiercely. Then he delivered a swift kick to the rapist's midsection. Bones cracked and she wailed again, in physical pain as well as psychological pain. Raph kicked her again and again and again. Splinter sat back on the couch and watched with thoughtful eyes. Mikey cheered him on. Leo went back into the kitchen, grabbed his tea, and wandered back out to keep an eye on Raph. Finally, Raph got bored of kicking his rapist. There was a lot he felt like doing, but he really shouldn't do most of it in front of Splinter, so instead he towered over the rapist and raised his sai. "Here," he said, "you can meet the _children_," he said sarcastically, "in Hell." Then he slammed the tips of the sai into the rapist's face, falling to his bruised knees as he did so. Her delicate features crumpled under his sai points, blood spraying Raph, Splinter, the couch, and the ground. Mikey went silent. Splinter and Leo both sighed.

Raph panted, his anger deflating, quickly becoming replaced with bubbling anxiety. Even dead, his rapists face would haunt his dreams forever. Splinter leaned forward and gave a pat to Raph's shoulder. "I suppose you needed that, my son. Come, speak with me in my room," he gently ordered. Raphael nodded, viciously twisting his sai out of the rapist's face. Mikey watched his retreat to Splinter's room with sadness. Leo sighed again.

"I suppose that means I get to clean this mess up," Leo muttered under his breath as he started for the body. Raph, with a talent born out of many years of practice, slammed Splinter's doors to block out Leo's mutterings of responsibility and the burdens of leadership. Then he had to go back to re-close Splinter's doors, since he'd slammed them so hard that they just bounced off each other and re-opened.

Splinter gave Raphael a long lecture – erm, talk, full of wisdom, as showcased by his many metaphors and Japanese proverbs. By the end of it, Raph felt as if his grief had come full circle and he had hope that perhaps he could face what had happened and begin to move forward with his life. With an awkward embrace, Splinter finally dismissed him. Leo and the rapist's body and blood were long gone. Mikey was anxiously waiting outside.

"Raphy," Mikey sobbed. "Raphy, are you going to be okay? I'll take care of you. I'll be the best little brother ever!" he declared.

Raph attempted a small grin, but it ended up looking more like an annoyed frown. With his typical Raph gentleness, he shoved Mikey away from him to gain some breathing room. "Yeah, sure, whatever, Mikey," he said, who cheered up immensely at his words.

"I'm going to make you some pizza! Special pizza just for Raph," he happily shouted at Raph's retreating form. Raph grunted in agreement and headed towards the shower to wash off the craziness and stink of the day.


End file.
